Siege of Phonics
The Siege of Phonics was a fifteen year war between the Dino-Nauts and the Semantics Gestapo. It was triggered when the Dino-Nauts provided asylum to Lord Eatslikeabird, and culminated in the destruction of Phonics IV.
Contents
Causes
Although the immediate cause of the war was Lord Eatslikeabird's flight, many complex, interrelated socio-political-economical-military-orphan factors also played a role.
Phonics IV has many natural resources. Including orphans, which Dino-Nauts enjoy consuming. However, most orphans do not enjoy being consumed. Therefore, war.
Flight of Eatslikeabird
Most pivotal moments in Gramma-Verse history are characterized by someone doing something incredibly stupid, such as sticking a pair of scissors into a flux capacitor. In this case, Lord Eatslikeabird (married to the Baroness Walkslikeahippo), remarked that the Semantics Gestapo might as well be called the Semantics Police. He was promptly blacklisted. Upon learning of his impending doom, Eatslikeabird fled to Dino-Naut territory. Why the Dino-Nauts provided him safe refuge is a matter of some contention among historians. Many believe Eatslikeabird convinced the Dino-Nauts that harboring him would mean war, and war would be an excellent pretext for orphan galumphing.
Skirmishes
In any case, the Dino-Nauts refused demands by the Gestapo to hand him over. The Gestapo envoy threw a temper tantrum, whereupon he was consumed by an annoyed T-Rex, a species renown for rearing well-behaved children. The envoy's Honor Guard executed a flawless strategic withdrawal. Only five hours later, a Dino-Naut orphan-containment facility was liberated by the Gestapo, and its occupants quickly relocated to a Gestapo Re-Education facility. The Dino-Nauts retaliated with a series of Space-Submersible raids on the Reading System. Gestapo High Command quickly ordered the 3rd Fleet and the 124th Llama Brigade to reinforce the system.
Instead of shifting their focus elsewhere, as the Gestapo had anticipated, the Dino-Nauts responded with a full-fledged frontal assault, decimating the fleeting and kicking the 124th's asses. As Gestapo forces fled in disarray, the Dino-Naut forces began converging on Phonics IV, capital of the Reading System.
Early Years (15 - 12 BDP)
For the first portion of the conflict (from the defeat of the 3rd Fleet to the arrival of the Gestapo Armada), the Reading System had to rely on its own resources for defense.
Outer planets razed
Upon hearing news of the 3rd Fleet's defeat, the Gestapo mustered its remaining forces to prepare for a counter-attack in defense of the Reading System. However, in the mean time, the Reading System suffered heavy casualties. The outer planets were systematically raided, pillaged, and burned. The Dino-Naut fleet would attack a planet, leave for the next, learn that the orphan population on the first planet had spiked as a result of the attack, return, consume the orphans, and then proceed as before. Although some describe the devastation wrought by the Dino-Nauts during this period as, "OMFG!!!! thats sucks!", others point out that this zig-zagging between planets bought Phonics IV the time it needed to prepare.
Phonics IV attacked
Unfortunately, it didn't use the time very well. In fact, the planet was embroiled in a small-scale civil war between hippie anti-war protesters and the Gestapo. Naturally, the hippies were eradicated, but they generally enjoyed the experience, having spent most of it in an altered state of mind. This period was also marked by conflict between the Cho Gayjara orphans and the Spelling Freaks. Since Phonics IV depended largely on orphan-labor, this conflict disrupted the planet's economy and military-industrial complex.
Fortunately for Phonics IV, the Dino-Naut fleet had been constructed with mobility in mind, and lacked the heavy firepower of CapsLock-Class BattleTypers, relying instead on Shift-Class BattleTypers and Space-Submersibles. While such craft were capable of neutralizing the outer planets, attacking Phonics IV proved much more difficult. The Dino-Naut attack forces withdrew to high orbit and blockaded the sector. A war of attrition had began.
Conditions on Phonics IV deteriorate
Bereft of a reliable supply of food, oxygen, and next-generation gaming consoles, the populace of Phonics IV became restless and volatile. Accusations were flung. Fingers were pointed. Then the Gestapo established martial law. Fingers were chopped off. Accusations were recalled and meekly apologized for. The apologies were not accepted, and various other things were chopped off, as well.
A veneer of order restored, the Gestapo initiated the construction of heavily fortified military compounds and Surface-to-Orbit hyphen-cannons. Alarmed, the Dino-Nauts began landing Elite Covert Commando Raptor Assault Units, which are not something you want to mess with. The ECCRAUs successfully destroyed the under-construction S-O hyphen cannons, and began whittling away at the planet's supply of orphan labor. Phonics IV would not have lasted long, but, with much blaring of trumpets and patriotic music, the Semantics Armada arrived.
Middle Years (11 BDP - 3 BDP)
The middle years of the Siege where characterized by a lot of things dying. Dying horrible, gruesome deaths. Most of these things were orphans. One of them was a duck.
The Semantics Armada engages the Dino-Nauts
The Semantics Armada was huge. Although its exact size remains classified, witnesses report space was filled with all classes of BattleTypers, with wave after wave of TIE craft swarming into the sector. Several CapsLock-Class BattleTypers accidentally went into close formation, achieved critical mass density, and collapsed into a black hole. A duck fell into the event horizon and died a horrible, gruesome death. The loss was minimal in terms of the fleet's size.
The Dino-Naut commanders desperately withdrew from Phonics IV orbit into defensive formation. Shift-Class BattleTypers went to the front, ready to create a solid wall of hyphens to deter the incoming TIE-Interceptors. Space-Submersibles scattered away from fleet and disappeared into the sub-space flux, ready to flank incoming BattleTypers. NumLock-Class BattleTypers drifted behind, ready to disrupt enemy formations with electronic jamming.
For one brief moment of complete epicness, the two fleets stood poised, each daring the other to fire the first shot. Then Gestapo ace TIE-Interceptor pilot and former orphan Tob Rarker broke formation and headed directly towards the waiting Shift-Class BattleTypers. An unknown Dino-Naut Space-Submersible pilot, with several TIE-Interceptor silhouettes painted on his hull, surfaced nearby and headed towards him. The two began an elaborate dance, each struggling to gain a tactical advantage over the other before engaging.
The Gramma-verse held its breath.
Tob Rarker opened a comlink with the Dino-Naut pilot. Minutes past. The Gramma-verse was almost asphyxiated. Finally...
Computer: "B-7" Dino-Naut: "BINGO!" Tob Rarker: "Damn."
The two craft separated, the Semantic fleet packed up and left, and the citizens of Phonics IV were left to wonder: "WTF?"
Phonics IV gets pwnd
After a brief moment of wondering the exact same thing, the Dino-Nauts shrugged and returned to blockade formations. The ECCRAUs were given the green light, and the planet-side forces of Phonics IV were methodically eradicated. Attempts by the Phonics Gestapo to increase the orphan labor pool proved counterproductive, since they merely allowed the planet to support larger Dino-Naut regiments.
One by one, the military compounds were starved out, bombed from orbit, or stormed. The orphans were systematically galumphed.
Late Years (2 BDP - 0 AP)
The final years of the Siege involved lots of big explosions, and one final very big explosion.
Things Explode
A few islands of resistance managed to hold out, but the Dino-Nauts began settling the planet and harvesting its resources even before it was completely under their control. When the first Dino-Naut CapsLock-Class BattleTypers arrived and blew the crap out of the remaining compounds, one Gestapo agent made the mistake of muttering, "Well, it couldn't get worse."
That was when the Gestapo High Command Ordered the planet destroyed. Many Dino-Nauts and Gestapos died horrible, gruesome deaths in the planet's final moments. Surprisingly, the few surviving orphans and Space-Nuns did not.
