Siege of Phonics
The Siege of Phonics was a fifteen year war between the Dino-Nauts and the Semantics Gestapo. It was triggered when the Dino-Nauts provided asylum to Lord Eatslikeabird, and culminated in the destruction of Phonics IV.
Contents
Causes
Although the immediate cause of the war was Lord Eatslikeabird's flight, many complex, interrelated socio-political-economical-military-orphan factors also played a role.
Phonics IV has many natural resources. Including orphans, which Dino-Nauts enjoy consuming. However, most orphans do not enjoy being consumed. Therefore, war.
Flight of Eatslikeabird
Most pivotal moments in Gramma-Verse history are characterized by someone doing something incredibly stupid, such as sticking a pair of scissors into a flux capacitor. In this case, Lord Eatslikeabird (married to the Baroness Walkslikeahippo), remarked that the Semantics Gestapo might as well be called the Semantics Police. He was promptly blacklisted. Upon learning of his impending doom, Eatslikeabird fled to Dino-Naut territory. Why the Dino-Nauts provided him safe refuge is a matter of some contention among historians. Many believe Eatslikeabird convinced the Dino-Nauts that harboring him would mean war, and war would be an excellent pretext for orphan galumphing.
Skirmishes
In any case, the Dino-Nauts refused demands by the Gestapo to hand him over. The Gestapo envoy threw a temper tantrum, whereupon he was consumed by an annoyed T-Rex, a species renown for rearing well-behaved children. The envoy's Honor Guard executed a flawless strategic withdrawal. Only five hours later, a Dino-Naut orphan-containment facility was liberated by the Gestapo, and its occupants quickly relocated to a Gestapo Re-Education facility. The Dino-Nauts retaliated with a series of Space-Submersible raids on the Reading System. Gestapo High Command quickly ordered the 3rd Fleet and the 124rd Llama Brigade to reinforce the system.
Instead of shifting their focus elsewhere, as the Gestapo had anticipated, the Dino-Nauts responded with a full-fledged frontal assault, decimating the fleeting and kicking the 124th's asses. As Gestapo forces fled in disarray, the Dino-Naut forces began converging on Phonics IV, capital of the Reading System.
Early Years (15 - 12 BDP)
For the first portion of the conflict (from the defeat of the 3rd Fleet to the arrival of the Gestapo Armada), the Reading System had to rely on its own resources for defense.
Outer planets razed
Upon hearing news of the 3rd Fleet's defeat, the Gestapo mustered its remaining forces to prepare for a counter-attack in defense of the Reading System. However, in mean time, the Reading System suffered heavy casualties. The outer planets were systematically raided, pillaged, and burned. The Dino-Naut fleet would attack a planet, leave for the next, learn that the orphan population on the first planet had spiked as a result of the attack, return, consume the orphans, and then proceed as before. Although some describe the devastation wrought by the Dino-Nauts during this period as, "OMFG!!!! thats sucks!", others point out that this zig-zagging between planets bought Phonics IV the time it needed to prepare.
Phonics IV attacked
Unfortunately, it didn't use the time very well. In fact, the planet was embroiled in a small-scale civil war between hippie anti-war protectors and the Gestapo. Naturally, the hippies were eradicated, but they generally enjoyed the experience, having spent most of it in an altered state of mind.
